Love Big. Grow Deep-ly.

"I led them with cords of human kindness with ties of love" Hosea 11:4

Lilies are my favorite flower.  When I see them poking their way through the earth, I get excited because they are going to overwhelm the front of my house with vibrant colors and beauty.  Change is coming!

Today I woke up with a fresh sense of renewal.  I've struggled with anxious thoughts that invade my thinking and distract me from being still.  With graduation approaching and an unclear career path ahead, I find myself thinking outside of the boundaries of today.  It's frustrating and it has made me extremely grumpy over the past few weeks.  Not to mention, I attracted a nasty cold this past week. 

Side note, you should know that there are five things that make a grumpy Heather, happy.
1. Food - Hangry Heather is no fun.  For those of you that have experienced Hangry Heather, Bless you.
2. Sleep - Sleepy Heather is hysterical for a short time, and then she just gets outrageously mean.
3. Laughter - If 1 and 2 don't resolve the grumpiness, surround me with laughter.
4. If 1-3 don't work, play my favorite music and let me sing loudly.  Surely, my mood will improve.
5. If 1-4 don't work, fight back my grumpiness, shove a peanut butter sandwich down my throat, tie my running shoes onto my feet and push me out the door.  A solid run will clear my thoughts and make me like brand new. 

After a week of being sick, I decided to go to a fundraiser lunch today.  One of my youth called me last week and asked me if I was still alive (which made me chuckle) and then proceeded to tell me that I needed to come back because he missed me.  Another side note, sometimes it's sweet to be missed, but even sweeter to be told that you're missed.  It has been about six months since I painfully, but obediently, walked away from the Youth Director position.  So I made plans to get my run in before church, go to church, and then meet my high school youth for a sweet lunch date.  I walked out the front door, and the sunshine hit me so hard on my face, it was slightly suffocating.  I looked around and realized that it was actually going to be a gorgeous day.  The warmth of the sunshine evaded my anxious thoughts momentarily, energizing me for a solid run.  While I was putting on my shoes, I looked at my teeny-tiny flower bed, and saw my Lilies starting to make their way through the dirt.  Right before a big snow storm, of course.  It was a subtle way to be reminded that Growth is happening, without regard to the environment around it, but with respect only to God's precious timing.

To make a long story shorter, I got a brutal taste of God's unconditional love today.  When I arrived to the lunch, within 10 minutes of being there I had lemonade spilled on me, sour cream flung at me, and my phone stolen in attempts to unlock it.  All of these things bothered the heck out of me six months ago, but I secretly missed them and didn't mind the sticky cardigan sweater today.  I was welcomed with overwhelming excitement, which quickly turned to contentment, and then some apathy, and then some anger that I wasn't still so visibly close by.  Not that I compare myself to God by any means, (I mean, Nurses are someone's super hero, but we are certainly not sovereign) but I understood what it meant to show pure love without any intent of receiving anything in return.  I stepped down from major responsibilities with the youth, but I didn't disappear.  I loved from a distance, because I knew that I couldn't give them the time they desired or the attention they deserved.  I walked away, but prayed that one day they would understand how painful it was to show them love in this capacity.  When they ask me why I left them, I try so hard to show them that...
...I never stopped loving on each of them. 
...I never stopped praying for them daily, and thinking about their activities. 
...I never once stopped praying that they would be safe in all that they did.
...I have never stopped praying for courage and strength to be strong amidst peer pressure.
...I never stopped praying that they would know I was still there for them when they needed help.
...I never stopped praying that they would share their triumphs and struggles with me.

Unconditional love never walks away on anything; rather, unconditional love allows growth to change situations for the better, because we love so deeply.  When we love something so profoundly - when we know that a circumstance can benefit from a change - unconditional love allows that change knowing it may sadden and burden us with overwhelming grief. 

Blessed to get the opportunity to Road Trip with them across the country this summer.

Being pursued is such a human desire.  We desire to be surrounded with material things.  The more we have, the bigger we have, the more secure we become.  I'm better understanding that growing deeper doesn't mean this.  Growing deeper means loving in a way that reflects God's love, which means loving genuinely without desire to receive anything in return.  At one point in my life, I was so brave and obedient in doing this, and now I grasp so tightly to the things I think I can control.  We took communion at church this morning, and I haven't felt a wave of emotion envelop me like I did this morning.  As I took the bread and the cup, I prayed that I could truly submit to obedience again and live within the boundaries of only today.  I wrote down in my book the lyrics to the song we were singing.  Ironically, I wrote it incorrectly the first time, requiring a change of wording.   I initially wrote, "Everything I hold dear, I count it as a loss." The words really were, "Everything I hold once held dear, I count it all as loss.  Rid me of myself, I belong to You."  I think this profoundly reflects a new perspective; a change of heart.  How can we acknowledge that deep growth is allowed to  simultaneously hurt and sustain, all because He first loved us so deeply?