But, I fought for YOU.

*How do you look at the one you love and tell yourself it is time to walk away?

"So now: Fear God.  Worship him in total commitment...He did all those great signs while we watched.  He has kept his eye on us all along the roads we've traveled and among the nations we've passed through."  Joshua 24:14, 17-18, The Message

I saw the Vow today.  Usually I'm up for the drama that Hollywood feeds me-knowing that it's just a movie and that real life doesn't really work out this way.  The fairy-tales that Hollywood desires us to believe didn't fool me today.  To learn more about the true story, upon which the movie is based, read here. It's a remarkable story, honestly.  And more real and more likely happening in our town around us that we can actually imagine. 

Besides the fact that this was actually based on a true story, I am LIVING proof that this story is true and no, my friends, it did NOT have a Happy Hollywood ending. At least not the ending we all imagine.  I didn't come out with the handsome prince, I didn't run in to someone and immediately fall in love.  I chased.  I chased long and hard.  I ran a marathon.  When I was caught up and felt like things were bearable, I fell again.  I tripped and fell; I stumbled.  You picked me up, but I fell right back down. I chased some more-fatigued by disgust, disgrace, humiliation, and frustration-I somehow continued to chase. 

...and now all of my running has brought me here.  I'm in a place where I know I no longer am doing the chasing.  I don't NEED to do the chasing.  I'm not the one DOING the fighting anymore.  When God and I made our vows, His promise was to forever fight for me, no matter what form I was in.   My vow was to keep up, to follow, to listen, and to live in the warmth of His heart calling it home.  For five years I ignored His commands, and now I'm finally hearing what I tried so hard to ignore. 

I prayed tonight.  I found myself praying in the shower--and what started out as a silent request to God turned into deep and passionate prayer.  I'm pretty sure I could have had the same prayer elsewhere, possibly saving a few gallons of water, but the Lord speaks without regard to where you are located.  I prayed to Him to allow me to say out loud, "It is okay for me to hurt, and it's okay for me to say, out loud, that it's okay to hurt".  I found myself praying for the next one.  That he would understand my broken and damaged heart, and that he would understand a kind of pain far too many experience.  And I was reminded that if God is fighting for me, He is also fighting for him. 

Today had many twisted revelations, but I'm glad that I can walk away from it confident, independent, and at peace.  The last time I shared my testimony, I was definitely in a deep, dark valley, not even able to get through it without sobbing.  Now?  I'm climbing, not chasing, after the mountaintop.  I still hurt, but it is a sweet grief that allows me to transform and change. 

*This picture for today obviously wasn't taken today.  But it was taken at a time in my life where I was chasing and fighting.  The mere presence of this picture reminds me that I don't NEED to chase and I don't NEED to fight.